Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
