i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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