I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
