Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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