go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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