Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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