so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
