Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
