I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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