I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
