in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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