I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
