Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
