I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
