just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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