I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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