Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
