I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
