took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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