if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
