im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
