is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
