My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
