dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
