So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
