based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
