I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i was born a porn star she said
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
