I bet he comes in French.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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