I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Your face is a jimmy john
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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