I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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