Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
