Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
