It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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