My friends, they love my intelligence
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
