Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
