Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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