She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
