and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
