he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
