Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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