on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
