if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
