"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm too high and old for this...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
