Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
