This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
