Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
