morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
