We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
