You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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