yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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